Monday, December 12, 2011

Bringing Elia into the world.. [part 1]

I figured i'd get as much written as I can while
the bean naps. 

I also want you all to know this has taken me a while
1. because of the time not available
2. I never really know how to start this 
3. I think i'm to the point where i'm a little less angry and feel
I can give you all details with out my attitude showing through. 

so here it goes..

Tuesday November 1, 2011
I had my ultrasound to check on Elia's growth.
I went alone, since Austin can't really take time off
and She was moving around beautifully, sucking on her fingers and thumbs
and we even saw her hair moving in the fluid. 
I'm still carrying more fluid than the average woman,
that put me a week over due for size (me not the baby).
At this point 38 weeks 4 days Elia was measuring
8lb10oz on her machine. From the previous Ultrasound of 7lb 15oz(i think)
two weeks earlier.
They said all was good, and no concerns other than my extra fluid. 
Which so you know, Diabetes carry more amniotic fluid
than normal pregnant mothers. There is no harm to the
baby because of this, it just means,
bigger belly, more uncomfortable
and baby(ies) get more swimming room. 
I left thinking this was my last one and no worries, she'll be here before 
I'd have to come back. 
Thanked the Lady.

I was having pretty painful contractions and having a difficult time. 
I went for a few walks to try and push this along,
as they lasted pretty long, and continued to get 
more intense. 
As they continued to increase even when I was resting
I decided along with Austin to call the Ob Doctor and see what I should do. 
After waiting for Austin to get off work, 
we went to the hospital thinking this was the beginning of labor
and after being there for a few hours,
monitoring my contractions 
and then 
making sure I wasn't leaking fluid (which i wasn't)
we were sent home. 
Not a happy camper, but I was so uncomfortable and in pain
I wasn't sure it could hurt that much worse.

Thursday November 3rd, 2011- 
I went in for my normal Non stress test at 8:30am like clockwork. I 
had these every Monday and Thursday and following my NST
on Thursday I then had my exam. 
This exam was just like the past few,
contractions still there, 
super uncomfortable- still there
baby dropped- check
and I was measuring at around 1cm dilated.
So not moving the way I want but not too big of a deal. 
OB Doctor asked me to think about what I want for
delivery methods and what is
important for me
 as far as my birth plan goes.

We discussed "our"

Well my plan, was to try to have our daughter naturally,
meaning vaginally, would be induced if I had to, but wanted to try.
I wanted to break the cycle of every diabetic i've heard of
having a C-Section. My blood pressure was beautiful, my blood sugars
were awesome,
there is no concern or reason for anything but trying naturally.

I discussed this thoroughly with my OB Doctor and we were
both clear what we wanted, discussed her due date being on the 11th,
the following Friday.
He reviewed with me, like usual what to do if I think i'm in labor,
who to call, the signs and of course
to call him if i feel anything is wrong, like
bleeding, pain in different areas which he pointed out to me
or decrease in fetal movements.
He then said he'll see me on Monday.

Weekend went and passed. Same amount of contractions 
and same pain. Now i'm to the point where this isn't labor and I'm
getting used to the pain being so intense i am just telling myself
it's supposed to get worse, and this shouldn't be this bad. 

Monday November 7th, at 10:00am I had another ultrasound
to check on Elia's size. The tech stated that
regardless of what her machine tells her, 
that her margin of error is extremely high
and would likely be incorrect
since it has only been 6 days since my last one.
Today, Elia measured in at 8lbs 11oz.
Only 1oz more than last week. 
She  discussed with me how this 
cannot be accurate and that Elia is probably well into the
9lb range. 

I left that appointment, called/texted my family and Austin's
like I do each and every time. Waiting for the follow up later
to give anyone more than Austin "real" details.

then it came for my appointment
with my OB Doctor. 1:00pm... waited for 30 minutes before getting in to 
start my NST(Non Stress Test).
Went just fine. Lots of contractions and big ones, painful ones. She was
doing just fine though, moving around.
Even though these past 2-3 NST's her movements have 
slowed down a lot, she was still punching and kicking me plenty. 
Then it came time to wait for him to come in
for my exam. 

After waiting more, keeping my blood sugar up, as it was starting to
become extra sensitive to the amount of insulin
i was taking. Also a sign of labor to come. 
He came in, all chipper and making extra nice comments, 
like how great I look pregnant right now, how my belly
looks wonderful from the side.. and other ones I don't remember anymore. 
I was tired from not sleeping and still in pain.
I was still not dilated very much, he was thinking between 1-2 cent. 

He then wanted to review my plan. 
He asked if I had discussed with my husband what I wanted for my plan.
I explained to him the same thing we've discussed the entire time,
since day 1 and we reviewed last week.
So I told him since I'm full term on Friday
that if she doesn't come before Friday on her own,
that I want to be induced on Friday, her due date. 

[ This is when I can honestly say with my whole heart, 
this man, who I had known as my honest,
understanding, compassionate OBGYN
changed. ]

In almost a joking, mildly sarcastic way
told me "well, that won't work out for me
as I am going out of town on vacation on Friday
and won't be back until Monday."

I told him that Friday was my due date,
and one of the stipulations when I changed doctors from
the Group to him was that he was supposed to be here on
my due date,
and that I would not have ANY doctors from the Group
deliver her under ANY circumstance.
(he did inform me he had other doctors that he could have as backup
instead of the group, which now i don't even believe)

He pretty much laughed that off, saying, well, 
that is what I can do. 

Looking at him in a complete loss for words,
as i TRUSTED this man, to not only
help me, take care of my health and my baby
but to be honest with me. 

He started telling me that my baby is probably well
into the 9 lb range and would be completely too big for me to 
even try and deliver. 

I explained to him, like he did so again on this past Thursday,
November 3rd, that yes, Diabetics can have bigger babies,
and when babies to diabetic mom's grow they don't grow like normal babies.
The girth of their weight is in the shoulders and the chest
therefore making it difficult or hard to deliver naturally. 
However this weight which would determine to be unsafe was 
at 9lb 15oz. 
We had no indication that Elia was even that close,
Nor was she 9lbs yet. 

He looked me in the eyes and tried many times to 
convince me THIS is what is happening to me. 
That my unborn daughter is now gaining so much weight
I won't be able to try. 

He rudely told me, since I was insisting that I wanted the
opportunity to try, that "i'll just call genesis right now, and see what they have
but you can't be mad at me when you need an 
emergency c-section."

I sat there on the table, just SHOCKED out of my mind
that his is seriously him talking to me. 

I told him I don't want to have her today, I want her on
Friday, as that is her due date. 
He told me that he is on vacation on Friday, he has to leave
very early in the am,
and would be leaving early even on Thursday.


He then went on and on (sorry I don't remember every detail of this part)
about the complications of child birth. 
Over and over he told me how I as a mother need to make the decision 
I am happy with, and that no matter how this child is in this world
it's here. 
If i try naturally, I might not be able to anyways, and 
I just when through those strenuous hours pushing or 
contracting for nothing. He assured me, this happens
to almost every woman that is wanting to go 
"natural" first. 

He tried telling me that why put yourself through the pain of childbirth
when you can just have a little incision and it'll heal wonderfully
and then you'll have your baby out, without all the fatigue.

I told him I WANTED the fatigue. I wanted to be 
miserable and try to push Elia out myself. 
I explained to him again that since this is my first child we don't know what it will be like
what if i only takes a few hours, and 
she's here?

He convinced me, he's been doing this a long time
and this is not how it will go. 
That I need to TRUST him, that he knows better. 

I kept crying and telling him what about my birth plan,
why can't I have what I want. 
I told him Friday is the day, if not sooner if she comes on her own. 

Regardless of what i tried to say to him,
he wanted nothing of it. 

He then told me that I should just have the C-section, have a 
baby born after only 45 minutes and that there would be no 
worries. He then explained what will happen when I have a C-section. 

I got even more upset. I told him this is NOT what I want.
He asked me to go talk to my husband
and maybe he'll think this is a good idea too. 

I told him immediately, no.
My husband knows what I want, and he wants whatever
I want. He will not persuade me to make decisions
I am not okay with. 

OB Doctor then told me that I have two choices,
1. Try to have her naturally, be induced today, risk not dilating
and going through the labor only to push and while delivering her
I puncture this nerve (not sure what he said, not one I remember)
in her neck that can make her entire arm immobile, or even both. 
(I looked at him and told him this is a little
bit of an exaggeration) 
He told me this can happen and would if she was too big and I damaged my daughter.
He asked me how i'd feel knowing
I made this selfish decision that in the end hurt my daughter for the rest of her life? 
And that would I be able to live every day knowing she has to live damaged her entire life?
I told him I know what it is like
every single day to live your life
with something wrong with you that can't be fixed. 
He then told me, I can't compare Diabetes to not being able to use an arm. 
That it isn't the same thing. 
I told him he has no idea what it is like to have a
non curable disease and this conversation is over.

[Crying almost hysterically by this point, but still level headed to be truthful and
push for what i want told him] I don't think this is helping
me at all. I know what I want for my decision. I said I'd hope before this point there would be
red flags like you already indicated to me that would make this not continue
(such as me not dilating enough and needing a c-section anyway)
and then I told him that is why we'd then need an emergency c-section. 

he then came back to me saying, well there is a chance we wouldn't make it. 
Since you wanted this, and something went wrong, 
she could die before we had the chance to get her out of you. 
How would you feel if you killed your child because of a 
selfish decision?

I told him I'm done talking about this. 

he then went on to say my other options, 

Option 2- Have a scheduled C-section on Wednesday. 
Arrive there at 5am, get checked in, they'll get you all ready and
wheel you in. You'll get your spinal block and then within minutes you
and your husband will have your baby. And without complications. 
He told me this is the safest route for me. 

I just looked at him. 

He told me, "here, 
think about 8 weeks from now. 
Can you live with yourself knowing you knowingly
made a decision that caused your child to be immobile or even
that you killed your child? 
Could you live with yourself knowing you were so selfish and now have to bury your
newborn baby?
Could you live with yourself?"

Then he said OR, 
8 weeks from now, I could be finished healing from my
C-Section, which went perfectly,
and now I have my 8 week old safely in my arms. 

I told him he has gone too far, that this is NOT why i am here.
I told him he is not helping, and NO ONE, 
wants to EVER hear that they are making any decision 
to harm their child. NO ONE. 
That I don't appreciate him for talking to me like this, 
and that telling me I'm going to kill my child is 
a horrible thing to say to someone. 

[ sorry I have to stop here, Elia needs to be fed. I'll continue soon..]