P-Day: May 9, 2011

All of my anxiety,

all of my stress, worries

time, energy and irritation writing everything 

down,

blood sugars, food, carbs, insulin

exercise, how i'm feeling, 

all of that I wrote down from

March 8th until now. 

I've had my Medtronic Minimed Insulin Pump

the Paradigm 723 

in my hands for a few weeks. 

I looked at some stuff, but then would get so nervous

I'd stop. 

Then I had a problem with the battery and being out of student mode

so I actually couldn't play with it for a while. 

I met with my fabulous pump educator Peggy and

this dietitian who will remain nameless

that I did not care for.
Throughout the entire time writing stuff down

each week, 

when I met with the dietitian 

all she did was criticize what I was eating. 

She picked and poked for example:

15g of Strawberries.. she would ask me, well how did you know how much 15g were?

I told her I looked off the worksheet she gave me

She then of course told me I was doing it wrong and 

how I should do it. 

For EACH THING, 

well it seemed like that. 

At this point I was exhausted, working and trying to keep up with the energy

that I didn't have

and on top of that, I had this weird thing 

where at night time,

at first it was at like 2pm,

then mostly just after work.

I COULD NOT think about food,

I couldn't put foods together,

or plan how to make them

or prepare them. 

BAM, 

nothing. 

You say chicken, 

I'd have to try and think about where it would be in my house,

how to cook it, 

what to eat with it, 

how long it would take to cook,

nothing. 

I couldn't do it. 

So Austin started making all our meals at night time

bless his heart. 

From going to not cooking really, 

to making a whole grilled meal, 

spaghetti, seasoning meat with a side dish,

to making homemade mashed potatoes, 

My way. 

What a blessing to me. 

So after explaining to her this problem I am having, 

she then picked and poked at why I am eating this, or this and how 

I can change this, and then 

told me I need to stop eating Jack's frozen cheese pizza. 

I tried explaining to her, 

that was easy, bland, 

enough carbs and could be made by my love

of a husband is 13 minutes, 

and when I'm nauseous and ready to puke, it's great. 

I was so burned out by dealing with her

and all her changes that even my 

endocrinologist told me not to listen to.

And then came P-Day.

Pump Day. 

( my supplies on my vanity, pump, reservoir, Inserter, tubing with needle/cannula, Novolog(insulin), pen)

I knew this wasn't something I wanted to do without

having a reason. 

I am only doing this to help keep our baby

as safe and healthy as possible. 

So I went all day to learn about the different features,

basically learn how to 

treat my diabetes differently with more insulin

and keeping in mind I am already staying pretty low

she didn't want me doing anything or going anywhere without

juice and glucose tabs. 

( This is what is in me at all times. This is put under my skin, with the help of a needle

and this plastic thing is a cannula that the insulin goes into me with)

I was cold, nervous, 

sporting my first pair of maternity jeans

and scared. 

They told me to be prepared for numbers in the 

200's and that it will be okay for the baby.

I was terrified of seeing those numbers 

I had worked so hard to not see a number at or near 200 in months. 

I cried a couple times. 

( The set up)

Then the pump went on. 

It wasn't as painful as I thought,

I can feel it being in my skin. 

I can feel that tug each time I move and walk. 

I started having to take blood sugars, 

every 2 hours, before driving, when not feeling well, before meals at bedtime and a

11pm, 1am and 4am. 

or of course if I felt low. 

Which was about 80% of the first 3 days. 

I got acquainted with the pump

well within a day. 

( that friendly reminder, 2hr blood check)

So far these are the only positives. 

1. It lights up and is a great night light at nighttime.

2. Telling me what my last blood sugar was

when I can't remember,

3. The Alarm features. 

It's nice not to try and remember when to do things, or

when I need to wake up and take a BS. 

Baby, you are worth this. 

Mommy doesn't care for this pump thing

but she knows it is going to help you grow 

how you should. 

Mommy is trying, and please

forgive me if I have numbers that are out of my control. 

How I've been wearing it while in church, 

(hidden in the bra under a cardigan)

I love you already baby. Daddy and I can't wait to hear your

heart beat again, or feel you kick soon. 

Keep growing big and strong!

Love, Mommy

I hate you stupid articles about CURING type-1.. AHH

I will admit this is not a positive post, but a honest one. 

I've read on other blogs about the Reader's Digest article 

and others "claiming" they know how to 

"CURE Type 1 Diabetes"

bull-sugar you do. 

I don't know what came over me. 

I was at Walgreens this morning picking up some sunblock

and stuff for a ballgame with clients and I saw it. 

One of those STUPID STUPID magazines about

being able to Cure Type 1. 

I was so irritated all I noticed were those words and 

I was upset. 

I tried finding which one it was online but I didn't. 

However, when I did research it, 

you wouldn't believe this STUPID people writing about 

how eliminating ALL Carbohydrates and Sugar helps cure you. 

You're a moron.

As I stood there, tangled in pump tubing, 

my pump beeping at me and then the cashier looking at the tubing coming from my boobs and shirt

all I wanted to do was SCREAM.

If someone ever told me they know how to cure Type1 Diabetes,

I'm punch them in the face, seriously, no joking. 

(between writing that so far I cried on Austin's sleeve as he just came home. 

Gosh these hormones MUST be on high alert)

Or am I realizing this now 

I wish I could explain to those people

how difficult, time consuming, expensive, draining and frustrating it is

to have this type of disease 

where you are NOT in control. 

I mean we try to do our best, can follow directions either from a doctor or 

our body, change all the time,

do adjustments the best that we can. 

But what people don't understand, is it isn't up to us.

While diving home FINALLY from Target after waiting out over 25minutes

in the car eating, drinking,

and chasing that stubborn low that would NOT go up. 

I finally decided to drive at a stubborn 70

and prayed I got home okay. 

But seriously, 

to those who THINK you can "Cure" Type-1

(which I hope no one reading this WOULD think)

I wish Diabetes didn't run my life.

I wish my body wouldn't shake

I wish it didn't feel like my limbs were literally failing to work

I HATE dropping things because all of a sudden my hands are shaking

I hate not being able to drive because of a low blood sugar

I hate having to carry a million things with me

I HATE when i forgot or run out of insulin and i'm not near home

I wish I didn't have to eat when I'm not hungry

I wish I'd never have to know what a glucose tab was

I wish my eyes never fail me because of a stupid blood sugar

I wish I could speak when my body dips low

I hate it more than anything, that I can't live a normal day, and that

regardless of how they feel about it, 

I feel like such a burden to my friends and family

I hate that some friends or family don't know what it's like

to not be in control of your own body. 

It's so hard to explain how

a hard day affects me. 

and now, I beat myself up when I have a blood sugar above 130. 

Non diabetics- It super hard to go months and months with out getting

one above this. 

I work so hard, and things out of my control take that control away

I hate Diabetes, I hate it.

I know I'm not alone, and that makes me happy,

but I wish I could live a day without it. 

Taking a shower with out any pump supplies, needles in, 

tape on my body

is a blessing. 

One single shower... think about your next shower and how great it is to be

free from your failing body. 

uggh.. sorry for the downer but it is that kind of day. 

No pick me ups, just downer..