Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bringing Elia into the World (Part 2)

So I know it has been a while, 
and for that I apologize. 
We've been busy soaking up as much
family time as possible
and now, tomorrow
is my first day back at work
since having Elia. 
Definitely a hard week. 

But I thought, I really need to finish her birth story
before I head back. 
For me, hopefully
this is closure. 

I've obviously been seen by many doctors
both for her and I since having her
and explaining this experience,
I still cry. 
I want that to change. 

So here's here we left off...

After telling Dr. J that I didn't feel his 
lack of "encouraging" words were helping
I remember sitting on the table thing
and just looked at him crying.

I told him that just because I'm diabetic
and I'm not past 2cm dilated doesn't mean
I will necessarily have complications. 

and he then continued to try more to 
convince me that yes, it doesn't mean I WILL
but I could and hurt myself and her. 

I remember him asking me
over and over what I want to do. 

HELLO, i'm sitting here, 
alone, almost 40weeks
pregnant,
uncomfortable with a LARGE amount of 
fluid,
tired, wanting my unborn child to be healthy and okay
and I don't know what to do. 

I told him, 
This is what I want,
I want to deliver Elia as naturally as I can, 
with the option. 
I want to have her on Friday, 11.11.11, 
her due date unless she decides to come on her own. 
I want my husband and younger sister in the room with me,
and I'm obviously okay with being induced.

The entire time I was telling him this, 
he rolled his eyes and smiled. 

When I finished, 
he laughed and said,
"Well, that's not going to happen."
How's Wednesday for you?

I asked him, "WHAT?"

He told me that since he is gone Friday on vacation,
he can't,
and Thursday he is too busy in the office
and doesn't want to schedule anything extra.
So Wednesday am, sounds good?

UGGH, I couldn't believe him.
I didn't want this. 
I continued to tell him this is NOT what I want. 
That all i wanted was to keep to our
birth plan as much as we could.
So far, I am getting nothing for the 
experience I've thought about, 
wanted, 
dreamed about and prepared for.
I was certainly not mentally prepared for this experience. 


He told me again,
Well go home to Austin and see what he has to say,
and get back to me tomorrow, 
we can still schedule your C-Section tomorrow 
for Wednesday. 

I raised my voice and told him
there is no discussing this with Austin. 
I am a woman, I am the one pregnant
carrying a baby girl
and I AM THE ONE TO DECIDE.
Austin is NOT the one going to tell me what I want to do
and frankly, Dr. J, 
Austin would be pissed as much as I,
that you aren't listening to me, 
when he's going to be there making sure
I am getting the care I WANT and NEED.

He stood there cold, with his arms
crossed over his chest and said,
I remember this like it was yesterday,
"Well, I can't sit here all day watching you cry."
Just schedule the C-Section,
have a baby girl, 
no complications,
and the deal is over. 

I just put my head down and cried. 
alone. 
He just watched me. 

We had been in his office now, for almost an hour 
and a half. 

I asked him if this was his wife what would he do,
knowing she wanted NOTHING of this.

He said, I would tell her I wouldn't want
a dead child. 
And I would tell her she's having a c-section.
No questions. 

After sitting there being so upset,
so alone,
and completely appalled that this man, 4 days before
was the kindest, most compassionate Dr. I had found for an OB
here 
has changed so much.

I no longer trusted him,
or what he would do to me if I 
decided to have it. 

I asked him what the procedure would be like,
and what we had to do.

All I remember hearing while my worst
nightmare was becoming a reality
was..

5:30am,
nurse gets you prepped,
Anesthesiology comes in.
your wheeled into the OR,
Austin's allowed in,
i cut you open.
after 15 minutes,
pain and complications free
you'll have a baby.


just that. 

After a few minutes just feeling like
I had no choices,
I had nothing left in me to fight him,
he wasn't listening,
he didn't care anymore,
it was just for his convenience,

he said, in the most annoying chipper voice 
as he walked eagerly to the door,
Okay, Wednesday it is. 
and left. 

After I sat there crying for a few more minutes 
his younger nurse came in and 
said, 
Dr. J said to go see Tracy and she'll get you the
paperwork.
I have to get the room ready 
for the next patient. 

For me this was a dream. 
This wasn't happening.
I had no idea who this doctor was,
I had no idea who I was looking at,
or what I was getting myself into.

Before I left that room, I felt Elia kick. 
I hadn't remembered her kick the entire time
we were in there 
"talking"

My face was all red,
tears strolling down my eyes. 
Tracy looked at me and she started 
getting tears in her eyes.
She handed me the papers
and said softly,
"cheer up hunny, good luck Wednesday"

The entire room was full of woman. 
I remember this one woman, 
who i've seen a couple times,
she seemed pretty far along in her pregnancy
just look at me and her
facial expression changed to such a sad look.
frown almost. Maybe she too was ready to cry with me. 

I walked to the car and as soon as I touched the outside door 
from the building,
I just blew out crying. 
So hard. 
I waited in my car crying until I could speak 
to Austin. 
I think it took 10 minutes almost. 

I told him, 
and I was so numb I don't remember anything but
telling him I have a c-section scheduled for Wednesday
November 9th and we had to be there at 5:30am. 

I don't remember anything else from that day. 
After a few hours i finished paperwork at the house
and cried myself to a nap. 
I ignored all phone calls and texts' 
from family asking how my appointment went. 

I just couldn't tell them.

Austin came home, we talked about it.
I can honestly say, I've never seen my husband
so upset in all my life with him. 

the next day, Tuesday, 
I called Dr. J's office, 
and told them I did not want to have a c-section tomorrow,
I was not happy,
He treated me very badly in his office,
I want to try to have her naturally,
and that is it. No more 
discussing "options".
Tracy then gave the phone to his main nurse
and she then told me,
well, there is nothing she can do,
because I can't have her on the 11th, 
because he is gone and for some reason,
we cannot find any of  your paperwork 
before this past week.

I told her you are kidding me. 
I have been in your office, for the past 3 months, twice a week,
then before that twice a month for 3 months before that. 
And you are telling me, ______, that you no longer have 
any of my records from yesterday?

She confirmed, Yes that is true. 

I told her  you guys are seriously a joke. 
That is such a lie. How can you magically lose all of my paperwork 
overnight.
He knew how he spoke to me yesterday, and 
how unprofessional and rude he was.
I will not accept that answer, ____. 

She then said here, I'm giving you to Darcy. 
So I then had to explain to her. 
I'll keep it short by saying, 
I wished I would have hung up the phone on her.
She told me "he never goes on vacation"
"he deserves to go on vacation"
"he works very hard, and long hours"
"he has a stressful job"
"for his mental health he needs to go on vacations when he can schedule them"

I stopped her, and told her
no one needs to talk to me about HIS MENTAL HEALTH. 
I then told her, I was no longer speaking
and my husband will take care of it. 
I hung up. 

Austin then made phone calls to and from 
Dr. J's office, 
the previous OB office i went to trying to get in,
and even talked with his boss's doctor. 

Dr. J's office gave him the same line of BS that I got too. 
The only thing of importance said, was that,
we could come in and talk with Dr. J at 1pm
but if we need to cancel for tomorrow they need to know asap
because the Hospital doesn't appreciate
or can't handle
when scheduled cancellations happen.

the old OB office i went to, said at first they would ask the doctors,
then we got the okay.
then I got a phone call, 
as I hadn't called them at all, 
Austin did
and a different lady called me quickly after they got off the phone with Austin
and told me that
they now feel i am too much at risk,
that my BP is elevated,
My diabetes is not well managed,
and my excess fluid is too much of a liability for them 
to take me on as a patient again. 

I just hung up the phone. 
None of this information was accurate. 

Since when is an A1C of 5.3 uncontrolled
or a BP at 40 weeks pregnant 100/62 average bad
and yes, I did have more fluid, as all diabetes 
often carry more, which
is no harm to any of us.

I told Austin, he said Darcy must have called them
since he had JUST gotten off the phone with 
a different lady at the old OB office. 

From there, I turned in all my finished paperwork
to my boss.
Texted our family and told them we are having
a c-section tomorrow morning,and we will give them all the 
details when it's finished
and we aren't talking about what happened, just 
need to be at peace. 

The next day we showed up at the ER,
and as we left to check in, 
I saw Elia' name written in the caulk surrounding the window
of the ER check in. 

I looked at Austin,
held his hand
we both looked at eachother and shed a few tears while he took this photo.
The lady looked after asking what we were taking a photo of.
As we walked to the elevator,
we both just kept saying,
this must be a sign we will both be okay.

Then we had to convince the nurse who was going
to be getting me ready and in the OR
that we didn't want this decision but that
we don't want to be mad anymore.

Austin took these last photos of me
pregnant on 
11.9.11




I did find out, from that fantastic nurse,
that you can come into the hospital
with out a doctor
and they will help you.

She kept trying to tell us, 
we can fire him right now, and see someone else.

But I just needed to stop being mad and to 
meet Elia. 

then after being 11 minutes behind schedule,
it took exactly
11 minutes for her to be born
and at 7:22am we had Elia.






She was born at 7:22am, weighing 8lb 4 oz
and 19 1/2 inches long.

No signs of any complications or problems. 

Everyday I remind myself how lucky I am
to have her,
how one man made that day a day, I didn't want yet,
but the prize of dealing with that emotional 
week ended when we had 
our little girl. 

She is everything, and we are so lucky that
God blessed us with this 
beautiful, healthy, growing
little girl. 

Elia Irene Kimler!!


3 comments:

  1. Cassie I have been waiting to hear the end of Elis's birthing story since your last post and I have to tell you this brought me to tears. I am sorry you had to go through all of this and am glad that in the end you have a healthy beautiful baby girl. I believe that her name on the caulk was a sign letting you and Austin know it was time. Congrats on the beautiful baby girl! Good Luck at your first day Back to work. It will be rough the first few days but trust me it WILL get EASIER!

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  2. Oh Cassie, I am seriously in tears reading part 1 and 2 of her birth story. I am so sorry that this isn't what you expected and what you experienced. I didn't even know!! I am so sorry that you were treated so poorly by your daughter. I understand completely though how it feels when our plans don't work out. Lillie was born via c-section if you remember...not something that you dream of for your 1st born. But praise God we have beautiful healthy baby girls. I will tell you I struggled BAD emotionally after having her, postpartum and emotionally because of not being able to have a "normal" labor...I think this is normal and don't be afraid to talk to me if you need an ear. I will say after 3 sections...my dr said that if you want more than 5 babies then be worried...so we are blessed...not our plan but Gods. I love you sister.

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  3. What a story - so sorry you had to go through all of that. Your baby girl is so beautiful!

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